Me and TED

I've been working on relieving stress in healthy ways this week, and I ended up eating my words a little. One of my shortcuts (see previous post) is watching television. I've managed to avoid Youtube and other internet-based time wasters for the most part because I know how negative they can be. Well, I was recently looking around online for some information about shame and resiliency, and I found a TED talk that got me all fired up about the issue (and almost made me cry). Since then, I've been sampling one or two talks a day. At first I felt (ironically) guilty about spending the time "watching TV", but I've decided that it isn't a shortcut.
Why?
Well, I live in a community of wonderful, hard working, inspiring, caring people but sometimes I forget just how wonderful, hard working, inspiring, and caring they are because I sit in my office all day doing therapy and preparing to teach classes. These talks remind me of the things I am passionate about, why I come to work every day, and help me to see that I am not alone in wanting to learn, grow, and make the world a bit better.
www.ted.com
and the talk that inspired me
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Note: Many of the talks are given by people who are...um..."creative characters". i.e. Some swear, some show art that people might consider indecent. So, enjoy with discretion.

Jan. 26th Class

Today in class we went over the list of stress-management techniques posted earlier and talked about some specific exercises we can use to help us get better at using them. We used a mindfulness script to practice simple calming breathing (http://www3.georgetown.edu/hr/fsap/Mindfulness%20Meditation.pdf) and accepting emotion without having to act on it. There was even time for a brief lesson in neurobiology. We talked about the difference between shortcuts and meeting needs.

Shortcuts are behaviors that numb us or excite us, but don’t actually meet our needs and can be harmful. These are things like taking drugs, watching TV, eating junk food, etc. Emotional shortcuts are things like anger, blaming, justifying, avoiding, etc. which might make us feel a little better but won’t solve a problem. When we use shortcuts, we set ourselves up for increasingly negative feelings.

Self-soothing is using a behavior to calm down or gain control of our emotions so that we can tackle a problem. This is usually something that temporarily makes us feel better, but won’t leave use worse-off like shortcuts do. Examples the group came up with are taking a break, cleaning, reading a book, breathing, making a list, watching a sunset, getting a back scratch, etc. When we get really good at self-soothing, we have more energy to handle life’s problems.

Meeting Needs helps us to stay happy and experience peace. Basically, we all need connection to others, a sense of self, mastery over ourselves and our environment, and safety. When these needs are met, we feel good. When they are not met, we usually feel badly.

In addition, we talked about having a worry box – a place to put things that can’t be solved right now so that we don’t have to keep thinking about them. We also talked about sense-oriented things that we could use as triggers for peace and calm. I brought an example of a de-stress kit (soft blanket, music, smelly candle, stress ball, puzzle, inspiring quote book, stuffed animal, journal) and we all talked about specific items that might help us calm down. The key to a de-stress item is to practice pairing it with calm feelings every day. That way, when something stressful does come up, you already have your brain trained to calm down when you have that item. 

Take Home:

Choose one of the techniques we discussed and try it out this week. Post a comment about how it went, or tell us how you manage stress.

Stress Management

We all get stressed at times. Here are some basic ways of managing it when it does come:

-          Breathe – this is one of the most neglected and most useful stress-management techniques.  (see: http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Breathing_to_reduce_stress)

-          Differentiate – problem solving is one thing, worrying is another. Many of the worries that plague us never lead to constructive solutions. Ask yourself: Is this a problem to be solved or a worry that I can’t really do anything about? (see: http://gad.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/sixways.htm)

-          Look Out – depressed and anxious people are often caught up in their own woes and worries and miss opportunities to calm down though connection with others and service. (see: http://www.depressiontreatmentworks.org/volunteerdepressiontreatment.html)

-          Avoid Shortcuts – when we neglect our health or mistreat ourselves by using shortcuts to feeling better, we are actually making our problems worse. Shortcuts can be just about anything that numbs or gives a high without meeting a need. Watching TV, eating junk food, shopping, surfing the web, gambling, and drugs are all shortcuts. Instead, choose to do something that will actually relieve the anxiety by meeting a need. (see: http://www.wwu.edu/counseling/subpages/subselfhelp/selfsoothing.shtml)

-          Express – one of the most suggested methods of managing stress is finding ways to express it. This can be done as a phone call to a supportive friend (watch out for Eeyore-style friends who might make things worse), artistic or musical creativity, a support group, and especially journaling. (see: http://stress.about.com/od/generaltechniques/p/profilejournal.htm)

-          Accept – some things are unchangeable, but working to accept them actually helps us deal with them. The movement of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and mindfulness resources are often helpful in learning to accept what we cannot change. (see: http://learnmindfulness.co.uk/category/free-mindfulness/mindfulness-videos/)

-          Others? – share your ideas for reducing stress! Post a comment…

Jan 19 Class

Today we talked about optimistic versus pessimistic thoughts. The most striking discovery is that some negative thoughts are also optimistic. Rather than just going around pretending that everything is wonderful, optimists acknowledge negative events, they just think about them as temporary and specific rather than permanent and pervasive.

We also discovered that not all positive thoughts are optimistic. When we explain positive events as being temporary and specific, rather than permanent and pervasive, we are actually being pessimists.

Activity: We each wrote a description of a recent event and included explanations about why things happened the way they did. Then we identified some positive and negative statements in each person's story and talked about how they could be rewritten to be more optimistic. Finally, we rewrote our stories from a more optimistic perspective.

Example: Negative statement - "I am so lazy!" - permanent and pervasive = pessimistic
               Negative statement - "I didn't get much done today" - temporary and specific = optimistic
               Positive statement - "I succeed because I am a hard worker" - permanent and pervasive = optimistic
               Positive statement - "I got lucky today" - temporary and specific = pessimistic

We found that it was easier to move from a pessimistic negative statement to a pessimistic positive statement than it was to really be optimistic.

Homework: Work on changing pessimistic thoughts into optimistic thoughts.

Joy and Light

Into my heart's night
Along a narrow way
I groped; and lo! the light,
An infinite land of day.
~Rumi

I have found a myriad of quotes about light and darkness from many cultures and philosophical traditions, so I’m guessing you’ve heard them too. Our dependence on light, the fact that we are drawn to it, miserable without it, and seek to generate it is fascinating when you consider the time we spend in literal and figurative darkness. Light is often used as a metaphor for knowledge, understanding, wisdom, kindness, service, goodness, inspiration, happiness, etc. while darkness tends to be used as a metaphor for ignorance, malice, anger, sadness, etc. Yet, both exist in every human heart. Understanding and ignorance, kindness and anger, joy and sadness, all are a part of the self. This week we will explore the relationship between light and darkness, specifically focusing on thoughts.  

Which thoughts do you associate with light? With darkness?

What purpose (if any) do the dark thoughts serve?

How do we gain control of our thoughts and turn them to useful purposes?

Food for Thought:

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.  ~Chinese Proverb

Lethargics are to be laid in the light, and exposed to the rays of the sun for the disease is gloom.  ~Aretaeus

People are like stained-glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.  ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.  ~Maori Proverb

A sensible man will remember that the eyes may be confused in two ways - by a change from light to darkness or from darkness to light; and he will recognize that the same thing happens to the soul.  ~Plato

The windows of my soul I throw
Wide open to the sun.
~John Greenleaf Whittier

A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happiness, Values, Relationships

A recent article in the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html?_r=3
illustrates what we were talking about this week (see the Jan. 12th class post).
One major source of happiness (gratification) is doing things that strengthen us in ways that align with our values. It seems that happiness in relationships can be the result of something similar. When my partner helps me to have an experience that I value, the relationship is better.  Discovering a new restaurant, learning new skills, getting involved in the community in new ways, all kinds of things can make couples happier.
Try it out...

Jan. 12 Class

Today in class, we talked about different kinds of joy. We shared things that bring us pleasure (warm feet, juice on a hot day, breezes in springtime, sunsets, winning a drawing, eating great food, receiving presents, etc.) and then talked about things that are really gratifying. Sometimes gratifying things don’t actually feel pleasurable while you do them (sometimes they do) but afterward there is a sense of happiness or accomplishment or fulfillment. We made a list of these too: exercising, cleaning house, creating something, connecting with people, meeting new people, learning, child rearing, etc. Pleasure is often your brain’s response to getting needs met: safety, nourishment, acquiring things, being part of a group. Gratification is often the result of growing or getting stronger in an area that you value. One is not better than the other, but we often choose to spend our time doing things that are pleasurable rather than things that are gratifying.

We drew self-portraits and used them to identify some aspects of ourselves that we value (connection to family, responding to beauty, creativity, service, etc.). Then we talked about how those parts of ourselves bring us joy. We also identified some of the aspects of ourselves that we don’t like very much and did a free-write about how those parts of ourselves can also bring us joy. This exercise inspired the homework for this week. 

Take Home: Make a goal to set aside time this week specifically to have an experience that is pleasurable, and another time to have an experience that reflects a personal value (like service to others). Report on your experiences next class (or comment on the blog).