Class Break

The first round of classes was definitely fun! (People kept wandering down the hall wondering why we were all laughing so much.) We will take a break for a few weeks, but hope to resume class soon. If you are interested in attending, please comment on this post (include your email address) so we can contact you when we are ready to begin another round.
A HUGE thank you to everyone who participated this time.

THANK YOU!!!

Empathy

I have been reading a book by Dr. Brene Brown, who has done extensive research on shame and how it affects us. Here are some thoughts:

-          Shame unravels our connection to others. In fact, I often refer to shame as the fear of disconnection – the fear of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance or belonging. Shame keeps us from telling our own stories and prevents us from listening to others tell their stories. (xxv)

-          We silence our voices and keep our secrets out of the fear of disconnection. When we hear others talk about their shame, we often blame them as a way to protect ourselves from feeling uncomfortable. Hearing someone talk about a shaming experience can sometimes be as painful as actually experiencing it for ourselves. (xxv)

-          Like courage, empathy and compassion are critical components of shame resilience. Practicing compassion allows us to hear shame. Empathy, the most powerful tool of compassion, is an emotional skill that allows us to respond to others in a meaningful, caring way. Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes – to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding. When we share a difficult experience with someone, and that person responds in an open, deeply connected way – that’s empathy. (xxv)

Thankfully, empathy is something that can be learned. Teresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar in England, identifies four defining attributes of empathy. They are:

(1) to be able to see the world as others see it – perspective taking, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes (this is a skill)

(2) to be nonjudgmental – our judgmental self comes out when we are dealing with abilities, beliefs, and values that are important to us or we are protecting ourselves from negative emotions through blame

(3) to understand another person’s feelings – we build this skill by understanding and learning to articulate our own feelings

(4) to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings – empathy doesn’t do much good if all the work you did in steps 1-3 are just in your head. It takes courage and practice, but go ahead and communicate!

Resources:   

Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

 

Take Home:

Think through the four attributes of empathy, pick one area to practice building skills. What activity could you try this week that will build skills in that area?

Feb. 23rd Class

Think of some cycles that are important in your life. We all cycle between seeking safety and seeking growth, between thinking about things and actually doing things, between self-focus and other-focus. None of these cycles is bad or good, they just are. Today in class we thought about some of the aspects of ourselves and our lives that tend to cycle. Identifying “down” times as negative or awful generally only leads to self-blame or questioning whether or not we are crazy or broken. One common example is relationships. All relationships have periods of closeness and periods that are more distant. It is very common for a mother or a spouse to feel greater or smaller amounts of affection. I have often heard parents say, “I always love my children, but there are times that I don’t really want to be near them.” There doesn’t have to be any guilt associated with this. The affection cycle is in a “less” position rather than in a “more” position. Like all wheels it will turn around again. Winter might not be your favorite season, it might be uncomfortable or difficult, but it won’t last forever and it serves a useful purpose.

There are also negative spirals in our lives. These spirals amplify feelings of fear or depression, aggravate and perpetuate addictive behaviors, turn small disagreements into relationship-busting fights, etc. Unlike natural cycles, negative spirals are truly destructive.

We talked about two ways of combating negative cycles, the first of which is simply to move from secondary emotions like anger to primary emotions (fear, sadness, hurt, etc.) which generate anger. To do this, you can simply ask yourself, “Where is this anger coming from?” or “What need is not being met right now?” Needs generally fall into three categories: connection, sense of self, and choice/influence.

There is also a series of steps which help in dealing with negative spirals:

1.       Recognize the spiral, analyze it, think about what makes it spin, your role, others’ roles

2.       Swap the unproductive, cycle-spinning questions for better questions: “Why me?” versus “What am I learning?” or “Why can’t you ever _____?” versus “What is getting in the way?”

3.       Find exits. At each point on the cycle, what could you do to stop the spinning?

4.       Use them. Really, it takes practice, reminders, and more practice.

5.       Think of ways to convert this negative spiral to a positive spiral.

Take Home:

Catch yourself thinking negatively about natural cycles. Practice thinking positively about your “down times” or “low points”. Think of one negative spiral and practice stopping it.

Cycles

People generally like nice, precise, straight lines. We tend to think in lines. Time lines, races, stories, tests – all have a beginning, a middle, and an end. When we get to the end, we feel satisfied (who really likes cliff-hangers?) and ready to move on.

Not everyone thinks this way. In Taoism, cycles are part of growth, just as the sun and moon cycle or the seasons turn, there are times of active growing and times of rest and waiting. In Buddhism, cycles of death and rebirth may or may not be positive or growth-oriented. It is ignorance that leads to suffering and the kind of wanting that causes negative cycles. The Christian Bible also speaks of times and cycles:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time

-Ecclesiastes 3

This week we will be dealing with two aspects of cycles – natural cycles and negative spirals

"The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place."
— Clarissa Pinkola Estés (Women Who Run with the Wolves)

Feb 16th Class

Today in class we had a great time talking about the role of gratitude in our lives. We took a brief test (I scored the lowest) to determine our level of gratitude. Then we talked about what we have been grateful for in the past, what we are grateful for now, and things we hope to be grateful for in the future. There was a whole lot of encouragement and laughter!

Activity:

List things you are grateful for. Research shows that just writing down a couple of things you are grateful for every day care increase your happiness significantly. We listed things from the past, present, and future but any kind of list will do. Some of the items on our lists were opportunities, family experiences, having to wait, supportive friends, health, weather, skills, closeness, service, creativity, bringing hope to others, and many more.

Take Home:

Write a letter expressing gratitude to someone who has had an impact on your life. Make an appointment to visit with that person. Bring a copy of your letter and read it out loud. Leave time to chat for a while after reading the letter and leave a copy.

* Some people find that reading the letter out loud, face-to-face is intimidating. The exercise has much more impact when done this way. If you need to bring someone to be supportive, or you need to practice reading the letter ahead of time, that’s OK.