Think of some cycles that are important in your life. We all cycle between seeking safety and seeking growth, between thinking about things and actually doing things, between self-focus and other-focus. None of these cycles is bad or good, they just are. Today in class we thought about some of the aspects of ourselves and our lives that tend to cycle. Identifying “down” times as negative or awful generally only leads to self-blame or questioning whether or not we are crazy or broken. One common example is relationships. All relationships have periods of closeness and periods that are more distant. It is very common for a mother or a spouse to feel greater or smaller amounts of affection. I have often heard parents say, “I always love my children, but there are times that I don’t really want to be near them.” There doesn’t have to be any guilt associated with this. The affection cycle is in a “less” position rather than in a “more” position. Like all wheels it will turn around again. Winter might not be your favorite season, it might be uncomfortable or difficult, but it won’t last forever and it serves a useful purpose.
There are also negative spirals in our lives. These spirals amplify feelings of fear or depression, aggravate and perpetuate addictive behaviors, turn small disagreements into relationship-busting fights, etc. Unlike natural cycles, negative spirals are truly destructive.
We talked about two ways of combating negative cycles, the first of which is simply to move from secondary emotions like anger to primary emotions (fear, sadness, hurt, etc.) which generate anger. To do this, you can simply ask yourself, “Where is this anger coming from?” or “What need is not being met right now?” Needs generally fall into three categories: connection, sense of self, and choice/influence.
There is also a series of steps which help in dealing with negative spirals:
1. Recognize the spiral, analyze it, think about what makes it spin, your role, others’ roles
2. Swap the unproductive, cycle-spinning questions for better questions: “Why me?” versus “What am I learning?” or “Why can’t you ever _____?” versus “What is getting in the way?”
3. Find exits. At each point on the cycle, what could you do to stop the spinning?
4. Use them. Really, it takes practice, reminders, and more practice.
5. Think of ways to convert this negative spiral to a positive spiral.
Take Home:
Catch yourself thinking negatively about natural cycles. Practice thinking positively about your “down times” or “low points”. Think of one negative spiral and practice stopping it.
