Empathy

I have been reading a book by Dr. Brene Brown, who has done extensive research on shame and how it affects us. Here are some thoughts:

-          Shame unravels our connection to others. In fact, I often refer to shame as the fear of disconnection – the fear of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance or belonging. Shame keeps us from telling our own stories and prevents us from listening to others tell their stories. (xxv)

-          We silence our voices and keep our secrets out of the fear of disconnection. When we hear others talk about their shame, we often blame them as a way to protect ourselves from feeling uncomfortable. Hearing someone talk about a shaming experience can sometimes be as painful as actually experiencing it for ourselves. (xxv)

-          Like courage, empathy and compassion are critical components of shame resilience. Practicing compassion allows us to hear shame. Empathy, the most powerful tool of compassion, is an emotional skill that allows us to respond to others in a meaningful, caring way. Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes – to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding. When we share a difficult experience with someone, and that person responds in an open, deeply connected way – that’s empathy. (xxv)

Thankfully, empathy is something that can be learned. Teresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar in England, identifies four defining attributes of empathy. They are:

(1) to be able to see the world as others see it – perspective taking, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes (this is a skill)

(2) to be nonjudgmental – our judgmental self comes out when we are dealing with abilities, beliefs, and values that are important to us or we are protecting ourselves from negative emotions through blame

(3) to understand another person’s feelings – we build this skill by understanding and learning to articulate our own feelings

(4) to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings – empathy doesn’t do much good if all the work you did in steps 1-3 are just in your head. It takes courage and practice, but go ahead and communicate!

Resources:   

Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

 

Take Home:

Think through the four attributes of empathy, pick one area to practice building skills. What activity could you try this week that will build skills in that area?